开始决裂的我们（问题篇）

想撇下我一个很容易，跟我说一声就行了！不用做那么多小动作，干干脆脆地说声就得了，反正这大半年都是一个人在‘游’。还以为考试过了就会没事，大家或许都因为考试而变得这么样。好像不太对经，考试过了大家反而时间多了，时间多了自然思考的时间也相对的增加了，问题也坦然的全部一一地都呈现出来。这次并不是原因，问题早就存在，只是没有去理会就因为一直天真地以为是考试期间所以大家会这样。原来，其实不是因为考试而变成这样。或许应该说，因为考试所以没有时间去多想，现在考完试时间多了文理反而更清楚更多！这一大半年前，我早就该退出不应该再维持在你们之间吧！见面少了，倾诉少了，话题少了，什么都少了就连坦白也少了。某人对我说，不要这么难过懊恼，这次若垮的过我们之间的友情就会系得更紧更巩固。话虽如此但我真的能不担心能不去想吗。不可能，我不可能不去想！我很坦诚，所有的一切都在改变而且是很大的变化。难道，有什么就不能直截了当有商有量的整理一番吗？很痛苦很辛苦也很无奈。原来我们的关系是那么的脆弱那么的儿戏。不想去承认却不由得我不默认！是时候我该找个角落找个地方把自己藏起来，可以尽情地哭！我不会在你们面前让你们看见我的眼泪。就当我很爱面子吧！我不是没有尝试要谈谈我们之间到底有什么出错但这些事我肯谈也要你们也愿意谈才行！你们很害怕会担心没有话题和对方谈。你害怕她生气了不回你信息没话谈，结果呢没话可谈的是我和你不是你和她；你和害怕跟她沟通不来所以要我也一起去，结果呢你们俩谈得如此投契，剩我一个独自坐一旁没话谈。但我想说不只你们会害怕我也会害怕会担心我们这份友情就这样完了。你们总说我没有站在你们的角度思考过，那么你们又是否有站在我的角度从而思考呢！认错吗？好啊，就当所有的一切都是我的错！我错在自己这么笨，没跟得上你们般拿那么多张纸，我错在就算那同一张纸却不同导师，我错在一心只顾着自己的学业没多理会你们的感受你们的心情。相处时间渐渐减少，和你们之间的距离相隔得越来越远，一切都是我的错！我其实很怕跟不上你们的步伐，就知道自己比别人笨所以才会一味的只顾着自己的学业要至少跟得上你们而忽略了身边人的感受。我总表现出一副无所谓的样子吧，所以你们总会觉得我好像真的很无所谓。其实不是，我其实很在意，只是放在心上没说出口。就是因为在意因为在乎很在乎所以很害怕失去。把所有的事全闷在心里其实很难受，我真的很辛苦，心真的真的很痛，痛得我不知道如何是好，很痛恨我自己恨的很想杀死自己。既然这样，倒不如我一个人退出。或许问题得以解决吧！

ACCA DEC’08 Exam stress and pressure

Oh god.. Stress! My stress, pressure and tension start again. Exam is near, left less than 1 month to go. Everytime exam getting near I’ll probably gone mad and can’t sleep. Family, my sister, they didn’t give me any stress, don’t even force me to study or anything. But, this makes me feel more stressful and more pressure. Because of responsibility and also I must not disappointed them especially my sister. She’s the one who pay all my ACCA study fees, annual member fees and exam paper fees. I can’t disappointed her. Therefore, I must work very hard and do my very best to make sure that I can pass my exam. These few days as well do revision until very late. Yesterday just get scolded by mummy, 5am still doing revision haven’t go to bed take rest and sleep. All of the pressure, comes from myself my own, nobody give me any pressure. DEC 2008 is near, ACCA exam is near. I’m dumb and stupid. Thus I cannot be lazy, I must put much more efford and do my very best to be well prepare enough to enter the exam hall sit for the exam. I know I can be dumb but I can never be lazy. Things that dumb people can do is put much more efford than others do. Dumb, never a reason when you fail or lose. There’s no reason for me to fail any of the papers as Adolph Hitler says : ” If you win you need not explain…But if you lose you should not be there to explain.”

Thanks for the birthday suprise!

Although this Saturday 11 October only is my birthday but I really appeciated that you all take your time to plan and celebrate 5 days early with me. 07 October 2008, memorable and wonderful day. Shan cheating me that want to shops around and buy clothes. Actually they already planned to celebrate my birthday with me.Such a big suprise! It’s really suprising me and I really appreciated on what you all have done for me. Erlene, Cindy, Shan, Raj, thanks to you all, really very touched, thanks for accompany me whole day long. By the way, Erlene, Cindy, Shan, LikWen,Daphne, Vnie, Leanne, Michael, Raj thanks for the wishes, the gifts and the birthday card. Love it very much. Other than thanks, I really don’t know what else I can say. =)Take good care and bLessing..

这13年… …

虽说过去的已很遥远但，淡一点的疤还是疤！算一算，你已经离开我们13年了，真的是段漫长的日子。起初是很不习惯，日子久了渐渐习惯了！你去世之后，最难熬最难过的人是妈咪。她一直都很坚强的生活着，自己面对所有的一切！更坚强的是从来没有想过要抛弃要放弃我们。至于生意倒是没有继续就是了。你去世之后，很多事情都改变了，生活改变了，妈咪变了，哥哥变了，姐姐变了，还有其它其它的东西都改变了！哥哥（Kelvin）变得爱逞强有什么事都放在心里头没说出来，妈咪一直在担心，他一直放在心里。尤其自从Australia回来之后，整个人变得更加的沉默总是一副忧郁的表情，妈咪更为他操心。daddy你在的话或许不会变成这样吧！姐姐（Elainne）嘛，虽然以前小时不怎么喜欢说话，但不用为她操心，家里最聪明机灵就是她又坚强。迅速又漂亮的从ACCA毕业后有份好工作高薪水。她去年嫁人了，找到好老公，两个都可以算是同行，大家都替他们高兴！你还在的话一定也很高兴很开心！我嘛，虽然小时后是爱哭鬼但，你离开之后就不再是了。现在，坚强多了没那么容易流眼泪也没有以前那么弱小！不过，天气不好时也会胡思乱想一通！前一阵子多年前，心里头曾埋怨过妈咪为什么你离去后就只有我记住在朋友家！渐渐长大，了解到是怎么一回事是为了什么也就没再埋怨什么了。之后有一段时间，总在不知不觉地伤害自己留下了疤痕！不过已经想通了，了解了，也成熟了。现在的我，每天都欢笑过日子；就算有些天心情再怎么失落但我仍然微笑开心地度过每一天！弟弟（Andrew），今年中三了！前一阵子他的确做出伤害妈咪事。不过，现在听话很多。他和elainne一样读书天才但，就和kelvin总是火星撞地球，跟elainne和我感情就很好虽然有些时候还是有吵嘴但感情好，总是气妈咪。你去世时，他才3岁大现在16岁了！他总是说，虽然那时才3岁不过记得你的样子清清楚楚。你若看见现在长到这么大的他，一定很满足，很开心！至于妈咪，你去世之后的她，性格脾气都变得很难顶。前几年开始没做你们以前那行了。她转做casket & funeral service，也很不错没什么不好！最近这几年，脾气没那么暴躁了。不过有时候还是会埋怨说为什么你那么快就去世了！正常吧，我也一样… …阴天雨天，特别的想念你！我相信，kelvin,elainne,andrew他们都一样！你不必为我们操心什么了，因为我们都成长了！妈咪，也活得很好很开心！虽然你的去世，我们失去了你。但我们也得到其它；kelvin找到将成为我大嫂的女朋友，elainne找到好老公幸福快乐，我找到现在这一班好朋友，andrew找到他念书的理由和快感，妈咪也找到她自己生活的乐趣！最近……阴天雨天的……让我又开始想念了，回忆起很多从前但，我会好好的；我们都会好好的！

Face it or Evade

随着时间的流逝，人长大了，要面对的事情就越来越复杂，遇到的困难也越来越多，难题也越来越难。人，很奇妙！当面对一大堆的困难与难题就越不想面对；反而很想逃避。宁愿把难题放置一旁，让时间慢慢的将它遗忘。以为这样就等于把难题解决了！我深信”everything happens for a reason”。 God will never gives problems without solutions!要解决难题并不是件容易的事但，收获却很丰富！至少，尝试去解决！就那样做着呆等什么都不做，难道会迎刃而解吗！这个现代社会，让我们都变得懒散变得懒惰，解决问题懒惰，连说对不起也懒。事情的发生，不会只是单单一方面出错单方面的过错！无风不起浪，一个巴掌拍不响。我们总是为了不必要的执著和顽固，为了那高得很的自尊，就连说声‘对不起’都不愿意！有些时候，那些所谓的自尊是不是应该适时地放下呢；还是说，自尊比任何其他事情更重要？对这世界绝望觉得活得不快乐吗？那是因为曾经品尝过快乐的滋味所以才感受到什么是不快乐！能活在这个世界上已经是最大的快乐不是吗？人不可以没有要求。因为没有要求就不会有进步！但也不能对生活上过分的要求。受了小小的挫折小小的打击就说不想活了！不觉得很无知吗？这个世界上，有些人就连想要活久一点的权利都没有；反而活着的人说不想活！想找死吗？尽管去死！我可以肯定，你一定会后悔！当面对生命的黑暗面感到疑惑无助灰心的时候，别忘记活着是一种当然的权利；没错，我们可能不满意的活着，但死亡却永远不能填补这种不满！人生路途，经历失败是当然的！失败，表示我们曾经努力过，奋斗过；但也不能每当失败就帮自己找出一大堆的歪理和借口。很多事情，换个角度思考，真的会有所不同；但重点是，心也要跟着有所改变！一直沉迷于过去的人是不会进步的！过去很不堪，那都已经过去了！有必要一直回想自己的过去有多么不堪吗！别忘了，眼前还有一道更广阔的路需要自己去走。就当做是为了自己而努力，努力地改变自己的生活！朋友，该说的也已经说过了，该劝的我也已经劝过了！说得太多，你会觉得烦！很多事情你应该清楚知道该怎么处理！要记得，这世界是很大很广阔很辽阔的！死，并不是最佳的解决方法；死了，问题依然存在！死，只会让你身边的人伤心流泪！

I'm not a good friend !

Am I consider a good friend? I really don't know. I think I'd question a question that no answer. Who can tell me the answer?For me, I don't think I consider such a good friend. Why? I don't know. Its just a feeling from myself feels that I'm not a good friends!The only thing I know and I very sure that is, No matter how, I will never giving up my friendship. Never. I will treasure my friendship as you all did. I promise from the beginning til now and then. At others eyes of view, I'm a tough, strong, cheerful person. Anyhow, sometimes... everybody had forgotten that I'm a girl too. On what they can see, everybody thought that I'm a cheerful person. Longer and longer, they forget. They forget that I'm a girl too. They forgot that, sometimes I needs cares too. They forgot that, sometimes I will upset too. They forgot that, sometimes I had a feelings wanna cry too. Because, no matter what happens. I will not show or tells my feelings to friends. Even close friends. I don't want them to worry about me. Sometimes, I feel tired too. I'm not trying to pretended happy or cheerful in front of people. Just that, day pass every minutes every second every hours. So, no matter happy or unhappy... Earth still round, Time still walks.. Nothing will stop. That's why I make sure myself to be cheerful everyday. End up, everything keep inside my heart, never told. Even family also I never told. Maybe it's one of the way that I protect myself from being/getting hurt. Friends told me that, don't be over self-protect, it's not a good behaviours. They told me that, I should at least let some friends get closer into my heart.. at least let them know what's happening on me.. This is what so called 'FRIENDS'.. They told me, not they don't want to know more about me; the problem is everytime people get closer wanna know more, I will keep myself away from them. The other problem is, I always think too much. Once heard that among friends, 1 of them don't like another 1, my negative thinking will come to me.. and I will start thinking whether the person my friend dislike is me or not!?!?!? Once I heard somebody hate another party, I will think whether the person is me or others!?!? My negative thinking just like never ending sticks with me. What can I do!?

Misunderstanding

That day (10th September 2008), what was gone wrong that day? People? Timing? Question? Feelings? Craps? Gossips? I really don’t know and i can’t judge who’s right who’s wrong! Friendship is fragile But I trust both of them. Even before that day i already heard about the issue. One thing i can very sure that is, I never ever suspect what Shan said to me. On the other hand, when Shan knew that Cindy actually knew all about the issue. She don’t know how to face Cindy. Probably, she scared Cindy will think she’s don’t know what kind of person and maybe will not be so friend like last time. All because we CARES! That day mid-night Cindy told me that she cried, she very scared that Shan don’t wan her. Shan told me, she cried too. Both of them out of control. Both cried. All I can do is console them. Make sure they’re alright. All will be like before nothing changes. So, the easier way is, face to face talk about the issue. As i said, past is not that important! Now and this moment is more important. The next day also i very worry about them. I really scared of close best friendship will just gone like this.
Shan , Cindy, u both really didn’t mention to me wanna play withing Prince. Both of u really makes me worry a lot a lot. Not I think too much.. I treasure our friendship too… u know? In the fact that is, end up i’m the one that blur on the half way.. Anyways, all these already become a past tense. I hope that this will never happens again among us.. And so this is what Cindy promise to me, both of u will not happens anything that making our friendship have any changes.. Friends forever.. Bless u all always..